Well, as is quite often the case with me, I decided to do a fun, new thing, and then fizzled out.  But even if my enthusiasm for blogging fizzled almost as soon as it began, it doesn't mean that I can't pick it up when I feel so inclined, now does it?

There's is something in my personality that I have long known exists, and recently I have become sort of reawakened in my awareness of it.  And this thing that exists is that I have this tendency, when people do something directly offensive or generally unkind to me, I get quite angry.  Not only do I get angry, but I, in solitude, often sit there and seethe, and in that time of being alone, suddenly recall every affront, every rudeness, every condescending or insensitive remark, basically all negativity that this person has done, until I am not just offended at the current thing they have done, but instead have become this flaming little ball of anger and wrath over this person.

But what is strange is that as soon as I see the person, about whom I could have potentially spent hours dwelling on every negative quality, all my anger is gone.  They might say a kind word, or just be friendly, and all my fury is gone.  For now.  The next time they do something against me, you can bet it will start all over again.

See, I generally am a "let things slide" kind of gal.  I like to pride myself, probably far more than I warrant, on my ability to be easygoing and go with the flow.  But what I really do is let people get away with being a jerk, and forcing it to "not bother me" when in reality, it clearly does, as it comes out in a sort of mental vomit when I reach the previously discussed breaking point.
And it's not exactly that I'm a ticking time bomb.  There are clues.  If I start to make slight, defensive remarks to a person, or say things that seem to have a weird, passive aggressive challenge to them, you can bet it's because whatever is being said to me, though it is perhaps only slightly offensive, is actually one of many things that said person has lately said to me that were along a similar strain, like some slow, globby mudslide starting to pile up, and while it is at first sort of slowly bulging along, soon it just gets heavier and heavier, until an avalanche of muck is tumbling down and grabbing everything in its path.

So why get to this point?  It seems weird that if I am not going to initially rebuff or point out insults a person gives me, that I would then choose to do it later, in a way that is on the defensive or possibly even passive aggressive.  Well, it is hard to point out every little insult.  It does seem ridiculous, for every snide remark to be met with, "You know, I really feel like you are belittling me."  But is it?  If a person said a snide remark, even a rather minor one, why can I not feel the right to fight that?

I think the answer lies in how people view reactions, especially in women.  There is this idea in society that when women (or anyone, honestly) acts upset, that very act of showing emotion is irrational, overly sensitive, and unstable.  "You're overreacting."  "You're just super sensitive."  Both are responses I've gotten when I have tried to explain myself in situation where a person was blatantly condescending or rude to me.  Very seldom will I tell a person, "Wow, that was a jerk thing to say."  More often it goes like this: Say I am talking about a band I love.  The person I am talking to says they hate it, and I have horrible taste in music.  My response would generally be along the lines of, "Well, that band is actually really good.  They do x y and z in their music that shows a lot of artistry, and they are talented musicians."  I have been in very similar situations to this, and yes, responses such as "Stop being so sensitive" and "you take things so personally" are common.  But the fact of the matter is, in the original statement, the comment made was personal, a personal attack on my taste and judgement.  And though so often my response isn't even one of personal offense, but rather a point of attempted self-legitimization based on objective ideas, the very act of trying to legitimize my opinions is then berated as being hyper-reactionary, and hyper-sensitive.

What an insult: sensitive!  It's become a loathsome idea in modern culture, which values humor, stoicism, sarcasm.  I'm very sarcastic myself, and I love it.  But we live in an age where negative responses to careless and rude behaviour are automatically deemed "sensitive." What does that mean?  It means, according to the person doling out such a phrase, that the recipient is not capable of responding in a normal, healthy way. That they are in some way out of the norm of the way the world works.  That they cannot handle life. That they lack rationality.  It demeans the personality, bur more importantly, it demeans the credibility of the recipient's mind, opinions, values, and abilities.  It is a loaded word that has come to almost automatically be a way to push others into an inferior role in regards to yourself. "I am more stoic and I don't take any offense at my own incredibly rude words, and since you do, I am clearly the more rational of the two of us, and thus the one that is worth respecting, listening to, and making decisions."  Someone saying those words would sound absolutely preposterous, but it is, at the core, what is implied when we deem others "too sensitive" when they react to our own insults.

So it's no wonder, I think, that rather than address my concerns in a normal way, I have been reduced to this creature that lets everything go, until the moment that straw breaks the camel's back, and all alone, I burn with something close to hatred for whoever is the cause.  And then, the moment I see them, I revert back to happy calmness, because that is how I have programmed myself, out of necessity, to constantly feel around others.  If I let rude comments effect me each time, I would in some way point them out each time, and in turn be told that being offended by clearly offensive things makes me, as always, "so sensitive."

But the thing is, each time I go through a period of intense loathing and focus on the collective foul actions of another, the next time it happens will be sooner. And probably more intense.  With each rotation of angry/angrier/seething/oh-hi-I-see-you-in-person-and-am-fine!!!, my overall patience, love, and ability to forgive the minor things chips away.  Each time is intensely damaging to the friendship that exists.  And yet I am crippled to do anything about it, because to do anything about it is to be hyper sensitive.  And it leaves me wondering, what will happen the day I get so furious that seeing the person no longer cures it?